No Offense, But Honesty Isn't Always Best Policy
Published May 20, 2007
Let’s face it. Honesty isn’t always the best policy. I mean I am all in favor of the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth – most of the time. But there’s a big difference between, say, lying in a
court of law with the Bible still moist from your handprint, and telling your mom her butt looks big.
Are you with me?
My nine year-old daughter was pouring herself a bowl of cereal one recent morning when her
eleven year-old brother said earnestly, “No offense, but that outfit really
doesn’t match.”
“Well, I do take offense,” she countered indignantly. (You go, girl!)
“But I said no offense!” he said defensively.
Ah, if it were so uncomplicated. That we could simply preface each thing we say with “No offense,
but….” Or “Not to hurt your feelings, but….” and people would actually thank us for the criticism that
inevitably follows.
“Not to hurt your feelings, but that is one ugly baby.”
“No offense, but I really thought you were a better tennis player.”
Someone actually had the nerve to tell me in high school, “No offense, but I thought you were pretty
until I saw you up close.”
Uh, thanks. And no offense, but – bu-bye.
Whatever happened to the old adage “if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all?” I
rather like that genteel philosophy. It would have kept a few talk show hosts out of hot water a time a
two, and it certainly would have saved some American Idol contestants from fifteen minutes of
shame.
But watching Simon dole out discourteous comments on TV has become a favorite pastime and,
along with other boorish behavior in the media, has paved the way for a new generation of
rudeness. Suddenly kids think it’s funny to point out each other’s shortcomings, and draw attention
to every foible and fault in the fifth grade. It’s hard enough to teach the rules of polite conversation,
without the added belief that “anything goes” because “everyone does it.” Everyone doesn’t, and,
hey – no offense, but your incessant honesty is driving me nuts.
I don’t know for a fact, but I’m pretty certain Miss Manners would recommend that when you feel the
urge to start a sentence with ‘no offense’ – don’t.
There are plenty of times when integrity and candor are appreciated. My friend Heidi will always tell
me when I have something green stuck in my teeth, and I like that about her. Ditto my fly being open
or my breath smelling bad (hopefully these don’t all happen in the same day). These are the kinds
of honest statements between friends that are actually helpful. Telling someone they really could
have played a better game when they just lost the state football championship 41-0? Not helpful.
I just think maybe we grown-ups could start doing a better job of modeling for kids the parameters of
polite conversation. Like offering encouragement and support instead of gleefully pointing out the
mistakes and mishaps of others. Put another way: when in doubt, zip your mouth.
No offense.