Like It Or Not: Teens Not Always Likable
Published March 25, 2007
Got a call recently from a friend who needed to talk.
“It’s Adam,” she said.
“Is he ok?” my mind flashed to all the myriad things that can go wrong when you’re the
mom of a teenager.
“Oh, yeah, he’s fine. He’s great. I mean, I think he’s great. The problem is that his
teacher’s don’t think so. In fact, they don’t even like him,” she said.
I caught myself before saying out loud: Can you blame them?
Adam’s a seventh grader. Need I say more?
On second thought, I’d better say more unless I want to alienate myself from my own
beautiful offspring who happens to be a member of this group as well. It’s just that seventh
graders, by and large, can make themselves a pretty unlikable lot. They get that whole eye-
rolling, surly, why-should-I-care-about-school attitude going, and by about March 15th their
teachers start dreaming of some far away land called summer break.
Parenting experts all agree that this teen behavior is normal and an important step for
teens in asserting their independence. What they don’t say is that we have to accept it.
Yet for some reason society has decided that in order for teenagers to reach some level of
maturity, we must first drop our standards so low you’d need a shovel to find them. It’s
easier for adults to roll their own eyes and say, “What are you gonna do? He’s a
teenager…” than to demand decency.
I’m not buying that.
And apparently neither are Adam’s teachers.
Contrary to popular belief, insolence and apathy are not the birthright of teenagers. It’s
perfectly ok to expect a seventh grader to bring home good grades, put forth his best effort,
play with his little sister. It’s perfectly ok for parents to expect their teenager to pry himself
away from the computer for family dinner and not run up the minutes on your cell phone. It’s
perfectly ok to know where your kid is going and when he’ll be home again.
It’s perfectly ok for a teacher to say, “You know what? You can do better.”
What’s not perfectly ok, is when they don’t.
Because is that what we really want to teach our kids? That sometimes our worst
behavior is tolerated? That there are certain phases of maturity, certain situations in life –
certain times of the month, if you will – that we have a God-given right to treat people
disrespectfully?
Never once in our parenting career have my husband or I considered that we might one
day, for some inexplicable reason, tolerate rude, impolite, lazy behavior from our kids. Not
when they were three, not when they’re thirteen. Call it the “Secret,” call it “Law of
Attraction,” call us crazy – it works.
Now let me be perfectly clear: not for a single moment would I want to return to the
hallowed halls of junior high. It’s tough – I get that. But up to now I’ve had a great
relationship with my kids. I’m not willing to throw that away at the first sign of a pimple.
I simply don’t accept the commonly held belief that it’s tolerable to be nasty to the people
who raise you, and that it’s ok to do “less than.” I think Adam’s teachers probably agree.
And if it looks like we don’t like you because we expect more of you – look again.